Sylvia_scj

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot on the left costs $500." "Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner says "Well, the parrot can speak four languages." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do the same thing the other parrot can do plus it is good at mathematics. Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, the customer asks, "What can it do?" To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss."

parrot: 鹦鹉

perch: 栖木，杆

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Sylvia_scj

不哭不哭，每天坚持学习，慢慢就会提高了。呵呵

wuqianizy

看来我的英语水平真的很烂

Sylvia_scj

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!" "That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I don't care for them anyway."

nursing home: 疗养院

take a nap: 小睡一下, 睡午觉

flip through: [口]浏览

munch: 用力咀嚼, 大声咀嚼

absentmindedly: 心不在焉地，恍惚地

See, that's the punishment for greediness.

Sylvia_scj

已经把稍微陌生点的词都标了解释啦。慢慢看，很容易的。

wuqianizy

怎么没有中文翻译呢

Sylvia_scj

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.

A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and throws up all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

hulking: 不灵便的或笨重的；庞大的

plop: 扑通落下

airsick: 晕机的 (我们的动车组火车上放的呕吐袋上面印的居然也是"airsick bag"，晕!!!）

air pocket: 气穴，气阱：使飞机突然下降的向下气流也作  air hole

Little guys are always cleverer than big heavy guys.

Sylvia_scj

Grandpa and grandma were sitting in their porch rocker watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
　　With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"
       Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
　　Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"
　　Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

rocker: 摇椅
reminisce: 回忆
obligingly: 亲切地
a wry smile: 苦笑
nibble: 轻咬

Without the false teeth, nibble was absolutely beyond his power.  

Sylvia_scj

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw this sign, it said "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer showed up the next week and when he looked over the field he noticed that no watermelons were missing but he noticed a new sign next to his. He drove up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".

sneak: 溜，潜行：安静，偷偷地前进或行动
patch: 一小块土地
cyanide: [化]氰化物

Kids are always much cleverer and naughtier than you expect.

Sylvia_scj

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience.
The man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
The man said, "I was looking for my father."

ringmaster: 马戏团演出指挥
lion tamer: 驯狮者

Anyway, it's a dangerous job.

Sylvia_scj

Thank you for saying that. yoyo.

yoyo530521

excellent!

Sylvia_scj

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas. A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.
The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank. Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."

service station:  汽车加油站：为机动车提供加油、服务和修理的零售公司也作  filling station,gas station
trudge:  沉重地跋涉; 蹒跚地走
sweltering:  酷热的, 热得发昏的

We just can't avoiding doing stupid things every once in a while.

easyan

Secret For a Long Life

A woman walks up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she says. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"

"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never, ever exercise."

"Wow, that's amazing," says the woman. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

长寿秘诀

一位女士走向坐在门廊的椅子上摇动的小老头。

“我无意中发现，你是多么幸福，”那女士说。“你幸福而长寿的秘密是什么？”

“我每天抽三包烟，每周喝一箱威士忌，吃高脂肪食品，而且从来不曾锻炼。”

“哦，真神奇，”女士说。“你高寿？”

“二十六。”

Sylvia_scj

A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.
"Not a chance!" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!" He closes the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stranger asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning."
"Well you've got a short memory." says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark. "Hello -- are you still there?"
"Yes," comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" the man replies.

Not a chance! 不可能！
short memory: 健忘

The husband would faint immediately.

Sylvia_scj

My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?" We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you a while to stop!"
Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"

stern: 严厉的, 苛刻的
sheepishly: 怯懦地, 羞怯地

The boss was not so stern as the lady thought.

Sylvia_scj

Morris and Harry were both fanatics about deep-sea fishing. Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught. So Morris comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells Harry, "You wouldn't believe, but in the Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring." Harry says, "That's nothing, last time I fished in the Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship -- and the candle was still burning!" They both looked at each other, knowing that the other was lying. Finally, Harry said to Morris, "Look Morris, if you take 450 pounds from off your herring ...I'll blow out my candle!"

fanatic: 狂热的
herring: 鲱: 任何鲱科中的各种鱼
take from: 减少, 降低
blow out: 吹熄

It seems that the majority of men enjoy bragging about how good they are at fishing or hunting.

Sylvia_scj

For our 10th anniversary my wife and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for one beautiful young woman and me. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, she swam. I snorkeled for another 20 minutes. So did she. I climbed back in the boat. So did she. I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked her coyly why she had stayed in the water for so long.
"I'm the lifeguard," she replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

snorkel: 使用通气管潜泳
fin: (潜水时缚在脚上的)鸭脚板, 橡皮脚掌
coyly: 害羞地, 羞怯地
matter-of-factly: 就事论事地; 不带感情地

This man was not as attractive as he himself thought.

Sylvia_scj

During summer sessions at our small Southern university, we who teach 8 a.m. classes face two major obstacles. First, attendance at these early classes is always quite low because of late-sleeping students. Second, the students who do show up find it difficult to hear us above the roar of the lawn mowers outside our windows. During this year's faculty conference, one professor laughingly proposed a creative solution to the problem. "Why don't we have the grounds crew start mowing outside the student dorms at 7 a.m.?"

summer session: 暑期短期课程
lawn mower: 割草机

The professor's proposal is so good that it could kill two birds with one stone.

Sylvia_scj

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." "And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them."

minister: 【宗】(基督教新教)牧师, (某些教派的)教长
lament: 悲叹
congregation: 集合; 聚集; 宗教的集会［会众］
(segregation: 分离; 分开; 隔离; 种族隔离)

I think the minister could get his message across to his congregation in the spring or autumn.