高手请帮忙 帮忙, 高手

xueyuan22

这里的前辈,请帮忙.下面是我准备的研究生复试的自我介绍资料.请帮忙看看怎么修改更好.另外,我觉得我短了点,看看可以怎么加.(我是在职考研,英语也是自学的,)如果能在里面加上我一边上班,一边努力自学的句子更好.
Good morning, my respected professors, my name is LIUBIN. It is really a great honor to be here for your interview. Now I will introduce myself briefly. I am 28 years old, born in chengdu, a beautiful city, where once you come and never want to leave.
In the past several years, I’ve worked at primary school as a teacher. I guess you may be interested in why I am leaving the present position. The reason is that I wish to get into the business management and want to pursue master’s degree here and then take the business as my future job. If I am given a chance to study in this famous university, I will spare no effort to master a good command of business management skill.
As to my character, I can not describe it well, but I know I am optimistic and confident. sometimes I prefer to stay alone, reading and thinking, but I am not lonely, for I like to chat with my friends about almost everything.
Well, in my spare time, I like handwritting, tennis and music, also english is my favorate. I read english books and listen to the english radio as often as everyday, but I know my english is not good enough, especially my oral english, I will continue studying.
Ok, that is all, thank you for your attention.

Sylvia_scj

恩，只是供参考，我们互相学习。祝你面试顺利。

xueyuan22

谢谢收到.你的建议很中肯.

Sylvia_scj

帮不上什么忙，稍微提一点个人的小小建议：
great honor 后面可以加上 for me
interview 前面的 your 改成 this 或者the，因为这个interview是你的，不是教授们的
I will introduce 改成 I'd like to introduce...比较委婉一些
born 前面的 was 不能省略，因为与前面的 am 时态不同，或者干脆另起一句：I was born....
觉得对于成都的描述有点夸张啦，不用把你出生地说得这么好吧，呵呵，或者这里可以顺带提一下你的家庭比较合适
In the past several years, ... 改成 During the past ** years, I was working at a primary school.... （因为工作时间短，写上具体几年比较好，时态用过去进行时我认为比过去完成时合适）
I wish to get into the business management 这里我觉得get into 与 business management 搭配不太恰当
future job 改成 future career 比较合适
艺术方面的书法用calligraphy, 而handwriting 更偏向于表示笔迹，字迹，书写风格等
这些爱好前面加上相应的动词来表达比较好
English radio 改成 English programs on the radio
as often as 与 everyday 搭配好像不合适，直接用everyday
thank you for your attention 是不是经常用在对某件事情阐述完毕后？我不太确定，我觉得这里用Thank you for your time.就可以了。

说的不对或不好的地方请包涵。。。