有问题的恋爱方式 恋爱

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Problematic Relationship Patterns

Ego(n.自我), Fear, & Emotional Insecurities
As with material possessions(n.拥有) or professional achievements, relationships give our ego a method by which to identify who we are to the outside world. The problem is that we attach(attach to紧密相连，依恋于) so much of our identity to the external appearance of our relationships that we lose touch with the parts of ourselves that are wise and conscious. The attachment to this false identity leads to a feeling of desperation(n.绝望) rather than fulfillment. After all, without the relationship, or the job, or whichever other false identity we have chosen, who would we be?

Besides the ego identification, it’s easy to develop a dependency(n.依赖) on companionship. That independent person that we once were starts to evaporate(v.蒸发). Our mind becomes fogged(adj.雾的，不清晰的) and as our self-identification begins to attach itself to the other person, unconsciously(adv.不清晰) or consciously, we become afraid to lose that person. We become dependent on that person and fearful of loneliness.

Out of our emotional insecurities, we start to become needy and to seek out validation(n.确认) from our partner.  So, instead of focusing on the celebration of love and partnership, it becomes a game of how to protect ourselves from loss.

Communication of Needs
Out of a desire to avoid appearing needy and out of a fear of losing our partner, we start to filter(v.过滤) what we say. In doing so, we do not communicate our needs clearly, openly or bravely. We somehow become convinced that our partner will magically know what to do to fulfill our needs. When our needs are not met, we secretly(v.秘密地) blame the other person and begin to resent(v.怨恨)  them. When we are unhappy, our partner will pick up on the cues, and in turn, secretly resent us, thus starting a vicious cycle(恶性循环) in the silent destruction of a romantic partnership.

自我, 恐惧, & 情感的不安
与物质财富、专业成就一样，恋爱关系也成为我们向外界证明自己的一种方式。问题是我们太关注恋爱关系的外在表现却忽略了我们自己，而关注自己才是英明睿智的。错误的自我定位带来了绝望情绪而不是满足感。毕竟，没有恋爱关系、工作或其它任何一种我们选择的错误定位，我们会是谁呢？
除了自我认可、外，很容易去依赖情侣关系。曾经独立的人也开始消失了。随着自我认知有意或者无意地与他们紧密相连，我们的头脑变得不清晰，我们开始害怕失去那个人。我们变得完全依赖那个人，害怕孤独。
除了感情上的不安全感，我们的精神变得贫穷，开始要从伴侣那里寻求肯定。于是，我们的注意力由庆祝爱和情侣关系，转移到寻求如何去避免失去的一场角逐中。
关于需求的相互交流
除了渴望去避免精神贫瘠、害怕失去伴侣，我们开始过滤我们所说的一切。这个过程中，我们不能清楚公开勇敢地说出我们的需求。我们莫名其妙地确信伴侣可以魔法般的知道我们想要什么并设法满足。当需要得不到满足时，我们背地里抱怨并开始讨厌他们。当我们不开心时，我们的另一半根据点点滴滴来判断，也反过来暗地怨恨我们。如此恶性循环，在悄无声息中破坏了浪漫的爱人关系。